Wow. This is actually kinda hard to type. It’s just…
So yesterday I was up watching Shooter till like around 11 and then I went to bed and I woke up at like 8ish(which is actually really late for me). I don’t wanna say I woke up in a bad mood but I wasn’t exactly in a good one either, so let’s just call this mood GYST mode coz I was feeling really productive and I wrote my to-do list and I
studied made study notes for math and NS(science)and I was just having a great day! I honestly don’t even know why I’m in such a bad mood because I just bought another book, ‘Milk and Honey’ and I’ve been dying to read it ever since I first heard about it! I like, just got home and I watched a few Youtube videos and I was just like ‘Okay, time to do schoolwork’. And I like couldn’t if you get what I mean. The school term is pretty much over which means we’re pretty much done with the third term’s work but we’ve started term 4’s work because it’s a short and busy term coz of exams (we write 13 btw). I just feel so stressed, and I don’t even know why.And I honestly just want to cry, but I’m soo tired of crying and feeling sad . And uhhm… I’m kinda worried my term mark because I know I didn’t do well, and it’s so frustrating!!!Like I was soo angry at myself when I got my report back at the end of term 2 and I promised myself I would work harder, and I did and I tried hard, but it’s all just too much.Like tests and projects and homework and blogging and me wanting to start a Youtube channel, and I really don’t want to start moaning and crying about what’s going on but I just feel so stressed. And it’s like I can’t even think straight anymore. I just want it to stop. Like, where is the big pause button I need??? Like at what point… at what point does it all just stop!So what I said I would do, and this is going back to the schoolwork side of things is like catch up because I feel like I’m falling behind and I like was in 3 4subjects:
So I borrowed my friends’ books and I got some textbooks from my teachers(they generally keep them coz our parents complain about the weight of our bags). But yeah I caught up and honestly, I know it’ll be worth it, not just like with exams coming up but like…I was awake till one and I don’t see the results. And now I’m crying again even though I said I wouldn’t but it really, it really and truly does suck.To sit at a desk till one working hard and catching up, failing a test and then sitting in class feeling so dumb for not understanding the work and begging myself not to cry in front of my class. And with Afrikaans, I work hard, and we get given tests and I don’t understand a single thing anymore.
I just feel so dumb.
And I’m sorry if this wasn’t the post you were expecting but I really needed to get this off my chest. And I didn’t know I felt all this stuff till I wrote it down so I’m kinda glad I did but I just want you to know that it’s okay to have flaws, it’s okay to be real with people. You don’t have to act around people, and if you have stuff going on talk to someone coz internalizing your feelings isn’t going to get you anywhere. It’s not going to help you.It’s going to tear you apart mentally and you won’t even understand why.
Uhm. I just want to say that whatever you’re going through, it’s going to be okay.
I love you guys