tainted feelings…

I seem to have lost someone incredibly important to me. Have you seen her? I’ve ruined our friendship and I don’t think she’ll come back. I don’t think she should either. I always get these surges of underlying uncertainty but really my brain keeps shouting at me all the things I already know like “You do deserve her!” “You deserve to be happy” and I don’t know how to feel about that. I know for a fact a few months ago I would’ve been bawling my eyes out by now but now everything’s tainted. Nothing is what it is. It’s always… less.


It’s like my feelings have been diluted with something I can’t even begin to comprehend. It’s not that I don’t feel motivated, but I can’t say I’m full of energy at the moment either. I’m not sad, I’m not angry nor irritated I’m just…not, anything. My feelings are so detached from me at the moment. The only time I truly feel happiness is when I get emails from a best friend of mine.

I’m not sure if I should post this or not. Only because my moods change so quickly, thanks mood disorder I love you so much😒 That I could post this now and feel completely different 5 minutes later. Ugh. This is all so confusing!!!

On the bright side I’ve been writing more lately I’ve written a few poems and started attempting to write a short story, I’ve finished watching a comedy on Netflix (an attempt to brighten my mood. Ps it worked) and spent some time watching my favourite childhood movie: Alice In Wonderland!

Do you ever feel like you grew up too fast. Not as in, oh my gosh the years have gone by so fast, it feels like only yesterday that I was in grade 1. More like I’m 99.9% certain that I’m a 30 year old in a 13 year olds body.

I seriously can’t remember a time I didn’t feel older than people the same age as me. Maybe that’s why I find it easier to have conversations with people older than me. Truthfully I forget, that I’m younger than some of my friends our relationships seem so different to my relationships with my peers.

I’ve always felt older than I am. Have any of you experienced this?

xxxChips

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